Are knock-down drag out fights every once in a while causing you to feel like your relationship is heading for a divorce if you can’t figure out how to “fight fair”?
On are recent Relationship Breakthrough call, a woman said she really wanted my help with learning how to “fight fair”? I explained to her that I don’t help women learn how to fight fair. I teach women how to step into their higher self so that fighting isn’t an option. I follow the advice of Dale Carnegie, “I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes” and here’s why I agree:
What I see happening during a knock-down, drag out fight is two people operating out of fear trying to prove to their partner that they are right and the other is wrong. When you want to make the other person wrong, you’re operating from the position of the victim. You are in the victim loop instead of the accountability loop where all your power is. Here’s a tip: you know you’re in the victim loop when you are blaming your partner for the way you think, feel, and behave.
It’s like the two of you enter a boxing ring and try to knock each other out with your words. What makes matters worse is that the words that are said out of hurt are mean. It’s impossible to win a fight because the words that were said during a fight are like little daggers to the heart. The same words said repeatedly will never be forgotten and can often be thought of as truth.
The real problem is that you can’t get control over your own hurt and you blurt out mean words that you might not say if you weren’t so emotional. Essentially what you have done is allowed enough fear to overcome your entire body and now you are reacting without having any control over yourself. You’ve unleashed the beast of fear. Your own fear will draw out your partner’s fear monster and you’ll engage in another knock-down drag out fight. Over time, you’ll start to question if your partner is your soulmate. You’ll wonder if you should get a divorce and find someone else. You’ll look at your spouse with resentment, anger, hurt, etc.
Conventional wisdom says to focus on improving your communication. Working on your communication is helpful AFTER you’ve entered into the accountability loop. You’ll NEVER be able to have calm discussions from a place of victimhood. The only way out of this destructive communication pattern is to move your energy from fear to love. It’s moving your vibration (literally) from a place where all you can see is your hurt to a place where you can detach from your hurt and pain and look at the situation from the position of the observer (truth).
My husband and I use to fight like we were entering a boxing ring. Let’s imagine that your spouse has hurt your feelings because you feel like he doesn’t make you a priority. I believe we mirror each other and we show each other what we should look at within us first and foremost. So, what I would ask of you is to look at yourself from the observer’s seat and look at where in your life you aren’t making yourself a priority? I would continue to ask you several questions to get you to reflect on how you aren’t making yourself a priority.
Once you begin to look at yourself from the observer’s seat, you can ask yourself some very curious questions to find out what is really at the root of your hurt. Then, instead of blaming your partner you take back the power and move away from fear and into a place of loving yourself more. You step into your power and start to make yourself a priority in your life. You stop giving away the job of making yourself #1 in your spouse’s life and you start to focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled.
When you get this right, your thoughts about yourself and your partner will change. When your thoughts change, your words change, your actions change, and your patterns change. THEN, you can focus on your communication style and become a better communicator. It really is possible to raise your vibration from victimhood and elevate your vibration into the accountability loop and choose to never fight again.
In my 6 Week Group and Private Marriage Mastery program, learning to operate from the accountability loop is one of the Mastery Skills that I help women work on in order to go from hurt to feeling loved and cherished. We also work on learning how to be empathetic, mastering communication, and sharing vulnerably. DM me if you’re interested and we’ll have a quick chat to see if you’re a good fit.